I am so tired and needing God's strength lately. I don't know why it has been so hard for me to turn to Him. I think I am just afraid. I am afraid I am wrong. I am afraid I am not where I should be. I am worried I let go, and that the path to find Him is somewhere back in the woods that I cannot find. But the truth is, I turn around and He is right there. Why do I sit afraid when He is right next to me?
Last week I had one of my best friends minister to me. I don't know why we believe we are all alone. It's hard to see your friends understand your path. If they understand then they must know.. all the hurt all the pain and the fear. But in God's mercy He places us here, together so we are not alone. So really this sermon started last week and continued into last night.
The start of the message is we are a vine. We are a vine tied into the Great Creator of all things. When we are tied into God we are living, we are growing and being nourished by the source of life. But when we are cut off we are dieing. We can't grow, or move forward because the source of all we are is no longer with us. We have to get tied back in to the source of life!!
It's one thing to say but when you have felt so cut off and so far from the maker of all things, the dieing is the worst pain I have ever gone through. To be alone, utterly alone and lost in a world that has no one and nothing left for you is my deepest fear. Satan crept in at a time I was so vulnerable and was suppose to be so happy and robbed me of my joy, my safety and all my hope. There was no future, no hope, no moving forward. I was cut off from all I believed in. I was left and abandoned on the earth and it swallowed me whole. Everyone was gone and the fear in me hurt my body and raced my heart. I have not experienced fear or pain like that ever before.
For months I wandered trying to find my way back. My hope and the peace of God that I so needed. How could I have been so close to Him to be here all alone. I asked and I questions. Life started to take me through physical issues as I searched for my way back to my Father.
I realized in the end that I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't attached and I was crying out, heart body and soul, to be reconnected to the only one who knows me fully. I keep thinking it will feel different when I am reconnected, but it won't. Life is hard. It has it's ups and downs. We feel like God is close sometimes and at others, so far away. But the truth is feelings are not real. God has been beside me all this time. He never left. I just had to turn around. I have to stop seeking the horrid thing I must of done and turn around and fall at His feet!
He knows my heart. I fall at His feet and give all I have but He knows my fear. That I can't do enough, that I can't be enough. And He uses me flaws and all. That is the only thing that makes me enough, it the ways He uses me for His glory.
Last night as I turned on my computer and tuned into a sermon I was afraid that I would be beat down with what poor job I was doing as a Christian and how I have failed. I don't think guilt comes from God so I know where it came from.
A beautiful message came through. The road we are traveling is not the easy road. We are traveling this road so that at the end of it we can say we are ready because we have lived our lives in the way the Lord had for us. We need to make sure that each day we are living that way so at the end of our road we can find peace. My Grandma had peace when she went to meet the Lord. My friend's Grandmother left the same way, ready to meet her Glorious Maker!
That is my goal for my life, not the riches and fame but at the end of my life knowing I gave all I had and I loved like Christ taught me to love so my peace will be waiting for me. I have not arrived, I still have issues to workout and new ways to see others. I need a softer heart and a kinder heart still. I have come such a long way and have been so humbled and I look so hard to see the heart in others, but I am not there yet. I pray that God takes me to that peace. He brings me to the end of my road and I open my arms and say "I am ready because I have done your work. My work here is complete."
Thank you Lord each day for your mercy and grace. Thank you for showing me a life I want to follow. I feel I needed her longer than the 21 years I had her but I am grateful for everyday you gave me a beacon of love and hope in my life with my Grandmother. May I be half of what she was and who she was. That would be a blessing in itself. I ask you to continue this good work you have started in my life and may my life help others for your will. What a blessing to know you Lord and may others know you better because of the grace You have had in my life! Thank You Lord.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
It's been 10 yrs of Marriage
Don't things look so different than you thought they would? Doesn't life seem to sneak up and do weird things. My body is not what I remember, my kids are busier than I seem to keep up with, and my husband is harder than ever to catch these days. It might sound like I am complaining but that is not what this is. My life was a picture in my head that I set out to live. Maybe I am not as graceful as I planned. My house is not as clean as I thought. But my life is fuller and better than I ever thought it was!
It's not about pictures and fairy tails, it was never about the glass slippers and the beautiful gown. It was about the blood, the sweat and tears. Laying my fears at the feet of God and walking forward in blind hopeful faith! I wouldn't trade a second. I made big falls. I hurt myself and others along the way, but from those I have learned how to be a better me. I keep thinking that better me is more perfect, less flawed. Whole and completely without cracks. My lesson have come with scares, deep pains and stretch marks.
It's the hardest shift to change from who I thought I would be and who I am becoming but along with that pain comes freedom and peace. I know the path I am on is my path. It is the path God wants me on. I would love to say that I am who I was meant to be right now but I am still changing, still treading the road with lessons in front of me. I am heading toward that better person already changed but not fully.
I am so glad God has see fit to keep guiding me down this road. He keeps leading me to His idea of me. It has been 10 wonderful learning years. The laughs and joy, the tears and pain keep leading me closer to me :)
What a wonderful road it's been. Who know where it will take me. I am so blessed! I am so thankful! I wish the pains were all gone but I know they will come. When they come I won't be alone. God has covered me and surrounded me with so many wonderful people; Friends, Family, Strangers (friends I am starting to meet) and the little Angels that brighten my day with a smile or kind word and I don't think they knew how much they did for me. I am not alone on this unknow path. I am safe and protected and on one more bright adventure.
It's not about pictures and fairy tails, it was never about the glass slippers and the beautiful gown. It was about the blood, the sweat and tears. Laying my fears at the feet of God and walking forward in blind hopeful faith! I wouldn't trade a second. I made big falls. I hurt myself and others along the way, but from those I have learned how to be a better me. I keep thinking that better me is more perfect, less flawed. Whole and completely without cracks. My lesson have come with scares, deep pains and stretch marks.
It's the hardest shift to change from who I thought I would be and who I am becoming but along with that pain comes freedom and peace. I know the path I am on is my path. It is the path God wants me on. I would love to say that I am who I was meant to be right now but I am still changing, still treading the road with lessons in front of me. I am heading toward that better person already changed but not fully.
I am so glad God has see fit to keep guiding me down this road. He keeps leading me to His idea of me. It has been 10 wonderful learning years. The laughs and joy, the tears and pain keep leading me closer to me :)
What a wonderful road it's been. Who know where it will take me. I am so blessed! I am so thankful! I wish the pains were all gone but I know they will come. When they come I won't be alone. God has covered me and surrounded me with so many wonderful people; Friends, Family, Strangers (friends I am starting to meet) and the little Angels that brighten my day with a smile or kind word and I don't think they knew how much they did for me. I am not alone on this unknow path. I am safe and protected and on one more bright adventure.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Reaching Out
Yesterday, I was so sad. There was a news story about a mother in Vermont. This is the story very basic without much added detail. She drowned her 2 little children in a river and then herself. What is happening? How can this Happen? Her children were 2 and 6. My baby just turned 2 and my other child will be 6 in a few days. I just cried from the Horror! Those little babies, those poor little babies. Only the fact that God is holding those precious babies can I lay my head down at night. I cry for the fact that they will never see their mother again!
It puts my heart at ease if I just say that she is a monster. She is crazy and/or any of the names that makes her different than me make me feel safe and better about myself. But what if she was just like me? What if she was just going through a lot and had some long hard days?What if the people around her didn't offer her any support. Or what if she had people who wanted to help her but didn't take the help? What if she was over stressed, over tired and overwhelmed with life and just needed a listening ear?
Like I said I don't have the details, but what can we learn just from the few facts I have shared?
I have been so blessed with a group of ladies that have taught me to take a break when I need it. They have taught me to ask for help. They have helped me seen the signs that show me that I am empty with no more to give and I just need a hot bath or to let the kids play in another room while I read a book. Thank you ladies of Mother Matters, you have change me for the better. I wonder who else needs to hear this message of rest.
It may not be a popular idea but what if we have failed her and she has failed us? Maybe we need to take a little more time to get to know the people around us. Maybe we need to do our part to help others and to ask for help when we need it. There is a perfectionist bug running around saying, WE HAVE TO DO IT ALL AND BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE. It is the lie of satan. We can never fill those shoes for perfection. We need help and others' need our help. Maybe we can come together as a human race and help each other (and not stab each other in the back like TV always shows).
We can't save her or her little girls. I can't save anyone at anytime because it is not my choice it is their choice to be saved or not, but I can reach out my hand and get to know the people around me and offer help. I can't make them take it but I can offer. The other thing I can do is take help from others (this is very humbling at times and very refreshing). Don't live in the lie of perfection, it doesn't exist, it is a lie and it destroys. As Christians I thought we were the body of Christ, aren't we suppose to be helping those around us even if it makes us feel uncomfortable? I am going to work hard at making myself reach out to others more. It's not my job to save but if God can use me as a vessel than He can do the saving!
"From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." Ephesians 4:16
One body working together for the goodness and the glory of God. I want to be apart of that don't you?
It puts my heart at ease if I just say that she is a monster. She is crazy and/or any of the names that makes her different than me make me feel safe and better about myself. But what if she was just like me? What if she was just going through a lot and had some long hard days?What if the people around her didn't offer her any support. Or what if she had people who wanted to help her but didn't take the help? What if she was over stressed, over tired and overwhelmed with life and just needed a listening ear?
Like I said I don't have the details, but what can we learn just from the few facts I have shared?
I have been so blessed with a group of ladies that have taught me to take a break when I need it. They have taught me to ask for help. They have helped me seen the signs that show me that I am empty with no more to give and I just need a hot bath or to let the kids play in another room while I read a book. Thank you ladies of Mother Matters, you have change me for the better. I wonder who else needs to hear this message of rest.
It may not be a popular idea but what if we have failed her and she has failed us? Maybe we need to take a little more time to get to know the people around us. Maybe we need to do our part to help others and to ask for help when we need it. There is a perfectionist bug running around saying, WE HAVE TO DO IT ALL AND BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE. It is the lie of satan. We can never fill those shoes for perfection. We need help and others' need our help. Maybe we can come together as a human race and help each other (and not stab each other in the back like TV always shows).
We can't save her or her little girls. I can't save anyone at anytime because it is not my choice it is their choice to be saved or not, but I can reach out my hand and get to know the people around me and offer help. I can't make them take it but I can offer. The other thing I can do is take help from others (this is very humbling at times and very refreshing). Don't live in the lie of perfection, it doesn't exist, it is a lie and it destroys. As Christians I thought we were the body of Christ, aren't we suppose to be helping those around us even if it makes us feel uncomfortable? I am going to work hard at making myself reach out to others more. It's not my job to save but if God can use me as a vessel than He can do the saving!
"From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." Ephesians 4:16
One body working together for the goodness and the glory of God. I want to be apart of that don't you?
Friday, April 11, 2008
The Homestretch Dash
Well, I am on the homestretch. My husband is at the Police Academy 2 hours away. He has been there since Jan 7. I have done a lot of praying while he has been away. I have been fixing me, learning to take some time for myself and learning a ton from this time of being a single parent. He does come home on the weekends, but living life only on the weekends is frustrating.
We only have 5 weeks to go, I am so encouraged and so excited because we have almost made it. There is one thing about the home stretch that is deceiving. We are almost there and that makes it easier to see the finish line but this is when I seem to be hitting the wall physically.
How is it that something right in front of me can be so hard to get to? I believe that mentally it is easier, but physically and emotionally we are so drained, we are giving all we have left to get there.
This morning I am having a problem forgiving. Me, the one who has to ask for forgiveness 50 times a day because I mess up constantly. How weird!?! So I know what my day will be full of, prayer. Please Lord soften my heart. We have all been through so much and the last thing we need is for my unforgiving heart to stand in our way now!
"This is what the Lord says to the people of Judah and Jerusalem:
“Plow up the hard ground of your hearts! Do not waste your good seed among thorns. O people of Judah and Jerusalem, surrender your pride and power. Change your hearts before the Lord,"... Jeremiah 4:3-4
I will be spending my day surrendering my pride and power. I do believe that is the reason for my unforgiving heart this morning ..ouch!
We only have 5 weeks to go, I am so encouraged and so excited because we have almost made it. There is one thing about the home stretch that is deceiving. We are almost there and that makes it easier to see the finish line but this is when I seem to be hitting the wall physically.
How is it that something right in front of me can be so hard to get to? I believe that mentally it is easier, but physically and emotionally we are so drained, we are giving all we have left to get there.
This morning I am having a problem forgiving. Me, the one who has to ask for forgiveness 50 times a day because I mess up constantly. How weird!?! So I know what my day will be full of, prayer. Please Lord soften my heart. We have all been through so much and the last thing we need is for my unforgiving heart to stand in our way now!
"This is what the Lord says to the people of Judah and Jerusalem:
“Plow up the hard ground of your hearts! Do not waste your good seed among thorns. O people of Judah and Jerusalem, surrender your pride and power. Change your hearts before the Lord,"... Jeremiah 4:3-4
I will be spending my day surrendering my pride and power. I do believe that is the reason for my unforgiving heart this morning ..ouch!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Happy Birthday Emma
My baby is 2 today. Through the eyes of a 2 year old life is so full and happy and bright. Happy Birthday Baby!
from learning to living
There is one thing I have learned about life. As God leads me down my path, I can learn all I need to know but it doesn't mean a thing until that knowledge goes from my head to my heart. I am amazed at the lessons I have been taught. Living those lessons have brought them into my heart. It's not just saying, it's doing. If the lesson never moves to the heart then it is just a bunch of stored information in my brain. Once I put the info into action it starts to sink to my heart and I really live it.
Yes, it is so simple in thought, but not so easy to live. If it was easy to live right then everyone would be doing it. It is a struggle, it is suppose to be and it is about making mistakes. I learn so much when I fail. I can let it beat me up (and sometimes I do for a while) or I can learn and next time fix it (or the 10th time fix it, my stubbornness makes it a bit difficult to get it right the 1st time).
I laugh because I have heard people say I am so smart, or I know so much. I don't feel that way most of the time. What I know is only because I have failed and failed big. I have done the wrong thing, said the wrong thing and blamed others. One day God blessed me with the knowledge that the only thing I can fix is the person I see in the mirror. I am trying to fix me one hurddle at a time. I feel ovewhelmed that I am never going to make it. I know that is a lie, because I won't give up, I won't give in and I won't settle for less then God has for me. I get discouraged and throw up my hands. Then I pick myself up, get down on my knees to pray and that keeps pushing forward.
All I can do is my best, no more. Today is just one more day of moving what I know from my head to my heart and becoming a better me.
Yes, it is so simple in thought, but not so easy to live. If it was easy to live right then everyone would be doing it. It is a struggle, it is suppose to be and it is about making mistakes. I learn so much when I fail. I can let it beat me up (and sometimes I do for a while) or I can learn and next time fix it (or the 10th time fix it, my stubbornness makes it a bit difficult to get it right the 1st time).
I laugh because I have heard people say I am so smart, or I know so much. I don't feel that way most of the time. What I know is only because I have failed and failed big. I have done the wrong thing, said the wrong thing and blamed others. One day God blessed me with the knowledge that the only thing I can fix is the person I see in the mirror. I am trying to fix me one hurddle at a time. I feel ovewhelmed that I am never going to make it. I know that is a lie, because I won't give up, I won't give in and I won't settle for less then God has for me. I get discouraged and throw up my hands. Then I pick myself up, get down on my knees to pray and that keeps pushing forward.
All I can do is my best, no more. Today is just one more day of moving what I know from my head to my heart and becoming a better me.
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