Last Night's Sermon

I am so tired and needing God's strength lately. I don't know why it has been so hard for me to turn to Him. I think I am just afraid. I am afraid I am wrong. I am afraid I am not where I should be. I am worried I let go, and that the path to find Him is somewhere back in the woods that I cannot find. But the truth is, I turn around and He is right there. Why do I sit afraid when He is right next to me?
Last week I had one of my best friends minister to me. I don't know why we believe we are all alone. It's hard to see your friends understand your path. If they understand then they must know.. all the hurt all the pain and the fear. But in God's mercy He places us here, together so we are not alone. So really this sermon started last week and continued into last night.
The start of the message is we are a vine. We are a vine tied into the Great Creator of all things. When we are tied into God we are living, we are growing and being nourished by the source of life. But when we are cut off we are dieing. We can't grow, or move forward because the source of all we are is no longer with us. We have to get tied back in to the source of life!!
It's one thing to say but when you have felt so cut off and so far from the maker of all things, the dieing is the worst pain I have ever gone through. To be alone, utterly alone and lost in a world that has no one and nothing left for you is my deepest fear. Satan crept in at a time I was so vulnerable and was suppose to be so happy and robbed me of my joy, my safety and all my hope. There was no future, no hope, no moving forward. I was cut off from all I believed in. I was left and abandoned on the earth and it swallowed me whole. Everyone was gone and the fear in me hurt my body and raced my heart. I have not experienced fear or pain like that ever before.
For months I wandered trying to find my way back. My hope and the peace of God that I so needed. How could I have been so close to Him to be here all alone. I asked and I questions. Life started to take me through physical issues as I searched for my way back to my Father.
I realized in the end that I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't attached and I was crying out, heart body and soul, to be reconnected to the only one who knows me fully. I keep thinking it will feel different when I am reconnected, but it won't. Life is hard. It has it's ups and downs. We feel like God is close sometimes and at others, so far away. But the truth is feelings are not real. God has been beside me all this time. He never left. I just had to turn around. I have to stop seeking the horrid thing I must of done and turn around and fall at His feet!
He knows my heart. I fall at His feet and give all I have but He knows my fear. That I can't do enough, that I can't be enough. And He uses me flaws and all. That is the only thing that makes me enough, it the ways He uses me for His glory.
Last night as I turned on my computer and tuned into a sermon I was afraid that I would be beat down with what poor job I was doing as a Christian and how I have failed. I don't think guilt comes from God so I know where it came from.
A beautiful message came through. The road we are traveling is not the easy road. We are traveling this road so that at the end of it we can say we are ready because we have lived our lives in the way the Lord had for us. We need to make sure that each day we are living that way so at the end of our road we can find peace. My Grandma had peace when she went to meet the Lord. My friend's Grandmother left the same way, ready to meet her Glorious Maker!
That is my goal for my life, not the riches and fame but at the end of my life knowing I gave all I had and I loved like Christ taught me to love so my peace will be waiting for me. I have not arrived, I still have issues to workout and new ways to see others. I need a softer heart and a kinder heart still. I have come such a long way and have been so humbled and I look so hard to see the heart in others, but I am not there yet. I pray that God takes me to that peace. He brings me to the end of my road and I open my arms and say "I am ready because I have done your work. My work here is complete."
Thank you Lord each day for your mercy and grace. Thank you for showing me a life I want to follow. I feel I needed her longer than the 21 years I had her but I am grateful for everyday you gave me a beacon of love and hope in my life with my Grandmother. May I be half of what she was and who she was. That would be a blessing in itself. I ask you to continue this good work you have started in my life and may my life help others for your will. What a blessing to know you Lord and may others know you better because of the grace You have had in my life! Thank You Lord.

It's been 10 yrs of Marriage

Don't things look so different than you thought they would? Doesn't life seem to sneak up and do weird things. My body is not what I remember, my kids are busier than I seem to keep up with, and my husband is harder than ever to catch these days. It might sound like I am complaining but that is not what this is. My life was a picture in my head that I set out to live. Maybe I am not as graceful as I planned. My house is not as clean as I thought. But my life is fuller and better than I ever thought it was!
It's not about pictures and fairy tails, it was never about the glass slippers and the beautiful gown. It was about the blood, the sweat and tears. Laying my fears at the feet of God and walking forward in blind hopeful faith! I wouldn't trade a second. I made big falls. I hurt myself and others along the way, but from those I have learned how to be a better me. I keep thinking that better me is more perfect, less flawed. Whole and completely without cracks. My lesson have come with scares, deep pains and stretch marks.
It's the hardest shift to change from who I thought I would be and who I am becoming but along with that pain comes freedom and peace. I know the path I am on is my path. It is the path God wants me on. I would love to say that I am who I was meant to be right now but I am still changing, still treading the road with lessons in front of me. I am heading toward that better person already changed but not fully.
I am so glad God has see fit to keep guiding me down this road. He keeps leading me to His idea of me. It has been 10 wonderful learning years. The laughs and joy, the tears and pain keep leading me closer to me :)
What a wonderful road it's been. Who know where it will take me. I am so blessed! I am so thankful! I wish the pains were all gone but I know they will come. When they come I won't be alone. God has covered me and surrounded me with so many wonderful people; Friends, Family, Strangers (friends I am starting to meet) and the little Angels that brighten my day with a smile or kind word and I don't think they knew how much they did for me. I am not alone on this unknow path. I am safe and protected and on one more bright adventure.